“SIX years ago, when I was compulsorily retired from my place of work where I held an executive position, I decided to learn a trade, infor...
“SIX years ago, when I was compulsorily retired from my place of work where I held an executive position, I decided to learn a trade, information technology. So at the age of 49, I found myself amongst a group of prospective business centre operators under the tutelage of a fairly successful expert.” I had gone to Motala’s place for lunch recently, and before I could finish my meal, she had launched into her problem. A good friend that I visit from time to time, she continued with her story.
“He was a good instructor and got on well with us. But he particularly singled me out, gave me extra tips and encouragement. That Christmas, I gave him a present as a token of my appreciation. To thank me, he gave me a passionate kiss and money to buy things for my children. That was when our affair started. ‘Right from the onset, my lover, married; made it clear that our relationship had no future because I was also a mother of three. But, I thought I could enjoy fantastic sex without emotional problems. However, I soon fell in love with him—he was rather fantastic…. It was obvious he was fond of me, but he said he couldn’t lose everything by allowing himself to fall in love and that the intensity of my feelings for him scared him. He constantly warned me about getting hurt, and that whatever I did, I should always put my husband before him.’
“Now I’ve passed out with flying colours and he helped me set up my own business. Only, we don’t get together much and he’s since got a new set of trainees.
We keep in contact from time to time, but I want to be with him as often as when I was training under him. I’m jealous of his wife and anybody else he’s likely to run into. Through the grapevine, I learnt his wife is no saint, but he obviously loves her and their five children. I would be foolish to hope he would abandon them for me and he’s toying with the idea of moving his business to his home town where he has bigger grounds. He’s also toying with going into politics. So what will I do when he eventually leaves? “I’m sure you’ll be shocked that a fifty-something mother of three could feel like this about another woman’s husband, but this is my first and only affair. Even though my husband had his share of flings, my grown-up children would definitely not be impressed by what I’ve got myself into.’ “My husband hurt me in the past and I resent him for this. He’s a good husband and father but I no longer have the deep and intense feelings for him that I now have for my lover. My husband would surely kick me out if he finds out. But how am I going to carry on knowing that I can never have the man I truly feel is the love of my life? I know I’m lucky to have a husband who still cares about me after all these years. Sadly, that is no longer enough for me.” After listening to what love-sick Motala had to say about the affair she ought to have kissed good-bye, I felt like shaking her and I let her realise that the fact she was able to enjoy such exciting sex with her lover in her middle-age was because of the limitations of her relationship with him. No strings attached… means just that. He told her the score from the start—that they should have sex for the sake of it and nothing else. Since she agreed to play the game by the rules he set, she needs to disentangle herself from her lover without allowing anyone to get hurt. It’s obvious MotaIa’s lover is well skilled at seducing women; and sex without strings is nothing to him. The thought of a love-sick middle-aged married woman lusting after him now obviously turns him off. Let’s face it, if at the beginning this smooth operator had asked her to break up two happy homes and marry him, she’d have run a mile. Now it seems she’s gotten carried away by not being caught and wants to put her family in emotional stress. So I advised her: “Don’t be greedy. You’ve had some few years of illicit sex and this is the time to call it quits. Your lover is currently busy teaching other women what a great lover he can be. Whatever you do, don’t be bitter. Cut your losses, take the initiative and end this relationship now. You will not feel rejected or lost without his control. Cherish the memories you have of your fling—thanking your stars you tasted passion in your middle age….” “What do you mean,” she cut me short. “I’m in my early 50s, I’m, disappointed you seem to have this strong idea of what a middle-aged woman ought to be doing and how ‘indecent’ the amount of arousal I should feel in my so-called dotage. I mean, as long as we are both happy to experiment and no one is getting hurt, who should mind?” It was obvious Motala refused to read between the lines—her lover wanted greener pastures and she was now yesterday’s news. The earlier she went to a corner to lick her wounds, the sooner she could start rebuilding her shaky marriage. Good fortunes can actually come your way FORGET four-leaf clovers, horse-shoes, and lucky charms—”If you want good fortune to smile on you, all you need to do is get into a lucky frame of mind, then sit back and enjoy as everything starts going your way…” advises Professor R. Wiseman in his book: The Lucky Factor. Here are some of the steps he recommends to help you find your lucky self: Step 1: Reset your mind: The first step on the road to good fortune is to programme your mind to think of yourself as fortunate. Start, by resisting the temptation to relive your past failures and worries. Many of us do this, but all it achieves is to blind you to any good coming your way. Lucky people get things in perspective, look for opportunities in a disaster and focus on the future. Try this: ‘Refraining’ is a technique often employed by psychotherapists to help clients get positive perspective. It involves placing an experience that you’re viewing negatively into another frame, which still fits the facts of the situation equally well or even better, but changes its entire meaning. So if, for example, you were unsuccessful in a job interview, instead of concluding that you’re always unlucky, congratulate yourself on getting an interview and consider the positive things that have come out of it. Step 2: Pat yourself on the back: Professor Wiseman’s studies show that successful people don’t assume their winning catch in a netball game was due to change—they put it down to their skill. So don’t tell yourself that what you’ve achieved is a fluke; think of it as an example of your ability. Try this: Wiseman recommends keeping a Luck ‘Journal’, where you note down all the good things that have happened “to you along with how you’ve influenced the outcome. So, for example, it might be that you looked great in a pair of jeans you’ve just bought (because you’ve been to the gym regularly). Step 3: Look Lucky: Lucky people expect, and are always open to good fortune, which radiates from the way they carry themselves. Make yourself one of them by mimicking their body language. Folded arms, hunched shoulders and lack of eye contact are all clear signals that you’re feeling uncomfortable, which won’t make people warm to you. Instead, look up and around and smile- how else are you going to get lucky in love if you miss the opportunity to catch the eye of the handsome guy at the bar? Try this: If you find yourself worried about making a fool of yourself, or messing up, Wiseman suggests creating your own lucky mantra. Start and end each day by repeating a sentence that makes you feel positive such as, “Things are going to go my way.” Soon, it will filter into your subconscious and become part of the way you perceive yourself, and a natural part of how you interact with others.” Step 4:Become a social butterfly: Lucky people have broader social networks than others, which increases the chances of them having lucky encounters,” says Professor Wiseman. “We asked thousands of people to classify themselves as either lucky, neutral (neither lucky nor unlucky), or unlucky. Next, they were presented with a list of 15 common British surnames and asked to indicate whether they were on first-name terms with at least one person for each surname. The results were dramatic and demonstrated the huge relationship between lucky and social connectivity.
By Bunmi Sofola
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